You know the drill: You say it’s time for chores, and you’re met with a chorus of groans, whines, and cries of “but mooooom!” It’s enough to make parents crazy. You might be tempted to give up the struggle altogether and just do all the housework yourself! Don’t.
It’s difficult to convince kids that housework is fun, but you can show them that it’s necessary, and that it’s part of their responsibility. Sure, they’re going resist sweeping instead of building spaceships with Lego . But they live in the house, they make part of the mess, and they have a role to fill. Establishing a healthy dialogue around chores builds habits that kids will carry with them into adulthood.
Understand their resistance by stepping into their shoes
Your kids aren’t trying to be defiant. When you ask them to unload the dishwasher and you get, “Wait!” or “Do I have to?” or “Can I do it tomorrow?” you need to look at it from their point of view. Children, in general, are impulsive and tend to be fairly self-absorbed. The act of gently nudging them toward greater responsibility slowly pulls them from their me-centric mindset and helps them realize that their actions have an effect on the world around them.
Instead of reacting negatively toward your child’s resistance to doing his housework, frame the conversation from his point of view. Acknowledge what he’s doing, state your need, and then explain what will happen next.
Don’t Say: “No, you can’t put away your laundry tomorrow. Do it now.”
Do Say: “I understand that you want to finish drawing that picture, but your laundry needs to be done. You can finish your picture in a few minutes once your laundry is put away.”
Don’t Forget: “Once you finish your laundry, and I finish loading the dishwasher, I’ll draw with you!”
Make housework a whole-family affair
If kids see that one person is responsible for the majority of the household load, they’re going to grow up believing that the person responsible is not them. Think about it from a business perspective: If the manager did all the work on a project, what would her team do all day long? The same is true for kids and their role in the household.
The goal is to instill a sense of teamwork in children, and to help them understand that, as part of a household, they have certain responsibilities. If everyone in your house works together, the work takes less time, leaving your entire family with free time to play!
Don’t: Do all the work yourself, and then act resentful. Conversely, don’t expect your kids to do all the housework while you watch!
Do: Make a list of age-appropriate roles for every family member and clearly set expectations. Be consistent, and keep to a cleaning schedule.
Don’t Forget: Take some quick before-and-after pictures and show the kids just how much can get done in an hour when everybody helps out! Maybe even take a victory selfie with your kids after tackling a big project together, like cleaning the garage.
Watch your wording
The word chore is one of those that invokes an involuntary response – and not a good one. It’s negative by its very nature. Foster the creation of housework helpers by changing your words and approach. Words like role, responsibility, and help are positive in nature and instill a sense of pride, rather than a feeling of foreboding.
Don’t Say: “You need to do you chores.”
Do Say: “Let’s team up and tackle this laundry.” -or- “Take care of your responsibilities, and then you can go back to skateboarding.”
Don’t Forget: “Thank you for taking care of these important tasks. We’re done! That was fast!”
Focus on Their Strengths
Finding the tasks that your children can do without struggling will build a sense of pride and accomplishment. If your child is great at organizing, have her tidy the craft closet or game shelf. If she loves being outside, encourage her to take over the gardening. There are those chores that no one likes, and they do need to get done. However, there are those tasks that people naturally gravitate toward, and encouraging your child to take on a specific role that brings her joy will help bolster her confidence and make her feel more like a contributing member of the household.
Don’t Say: “Get to work!”
Do Say: “You’re so great at sorting things… I have just the task for you!”
Don’t Forget: “Wow! You’re great at that! I’m so glad to have your help!”
In the four steps above, you’ll notice that the “Don’t Forget” line focuses on fostering a sense of camaraderie. When changing your household dialogue around chores, focus on role-building and teamwork. When everyone pitches in, your family creates more time to spend together. Be sure to use that time to connect in ways that are enjoyable for everyone!